You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
