When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
