I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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