You just made me feel so damn special
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He is an equal opportunity slut.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
