So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
