You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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