You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
