i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Rumble strips road head = magical
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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