the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize