Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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