i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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