I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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