i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize