hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
