remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
