yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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