This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
