hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Randomize
