i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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