i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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