dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
