I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
