im drinking this country out of the recession.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize