I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
