I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Come share oat with me in your robe
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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