Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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