Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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