i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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