I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
