fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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