K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
