Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
