yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
