I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
