You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
