I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
