a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
