so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
