Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
