I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
