I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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