My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
