im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
