Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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