Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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