party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
