I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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