my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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