normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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