i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
