i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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