You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
