If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
