You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
