Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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