it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize