I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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