toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
