When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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