please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize