im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
