ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
