Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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