It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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