Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
