I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I haven't been this sober since birth.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So much rum. So many feels.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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