this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
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