I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
