Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
