as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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