I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
